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On betrayal

Whenever a marriage gets to a place where one person feels that they are giving their all and getting nothing in return; or they are always put the last, that is just as much a betrayal as having an affair is.

An affair may be the ultimate tangible expression of betrayal in a marriage, but there are many other ways one marriage can be betrayed.
Some of us betray our marriages/relationships by overly investing ourselves in our work; by not being able to control or vices or obsessions; by putting our own families before our spouses/partners; some women invest all of their emotion in their children and push their spouses aside, etc.

We tend to believe we can get away with a lot of mistreatment of each other because we think that in the end, nobody is going anywhere. We are taught to believe that marriage equated to being stuck forever no matter what. In the end, we all realise that we are worth alot more than the crumbs we are accepting. Crumbs of love, attention, respect, …

We might bury the longings of our hearts with work and responsibilities, but the heart always remembers. The heart seeks fulfillment. Any person who claims that the fine points of maintaining a household is their goal in life, is not telling the truth.

Have you ever betrayed yourself by staying in a marriage/relationship longer than you should have, out of fear of loneliness?

©Tatjana Ostojic

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How to continue?

When two people live in close union, they have a strong effect upon one another and that influence must obviously be either elevating or degrading; and so our spouses can be either an inspiration for us, or they can grow into being stones around our necks, depressing us and destroying our spirits.

How often we see couples sinking down into a mundane existence? They say they aren’t unhappy; they have each taken on other interests – in work, family or society. They say they get along all right, but they have blocked all real joy from their lives. Usually, these marriages last for a long time and go on apparently calmly and successfully.
What happens when we admit we are sinking?

©Tatjana Ostojic

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Is knowing too much not enough?

Love will not last as an exquisite emotion if it is stifled by familiarity.

Once we have seen, when our partners are alone with us, that they can be careless about any point they wouldn’t be careless about were they going into the company of other people, their charm has gone for us. They can no longer cause us thrill. We may go on loving them in a kind way, but that delicious intoxication we felt before has subsided.

What is the “right dose of oneself” in one marriage/relationship? Does knowing everything about the other prevent us from being who we are out of desire to please them? When we are “too much”?

©Tatjana Ostojic

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Late Night Musings

When a man loves a woman and she does not care for him, she has the reins in her hands, and can be as selfish as she pleases.

When it is the other way, it requires the whole intelligence of a woman, and her whole courage and her whole self restraint to attract the man, and when she has attracted him, then it will require renewed efforts to keep him.

Is it in nature of love to be so close and yet, out of our reach? For majority of us, an easy conquest is trifling.

How men and women can attract the love of those they desire, and who have given no sign that any spark has been lit in them? Why we always have to “win” someone in order to value them?

©Tatjana Ostojic

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I do. Do I? Do you?

Unions without love are no better than the mating of animals – not as high even, for animals are obeying fierce natural law, whereas human beings are degrading their souls by forcing themselves to undertake actions which are revolting, when not elevated by the passion of Love.

If the quality of our lives depends on the people we choose to marry, is it wrong to think that the only reason we should “give our lives” to someone is because we love them? When love is a motive for the union of a man and a woman, no circumstances can alter it.

©Tatjana Ostojic

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The power of Love

The greatest power of love is in its capability to revive, regenerate and expand after we have experienced and overcome difficulties in our relationships.

We create stories based on our experiences and usually make assumptions about why someone is doing a certain thing.

Can we depersonalize and stop subjectifying our drawbacks? Can we stop inserting meaning in somebody’s actions that is only hurting us?

If we always go against what our hearts desire, we dishonour ourselves. If we only do things we want, we dishonour others.
Understandably, we can’t change what we refuse to confront. But, can confrontation be based on love and not anger?

©Tatjana Ostojic

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On Love…

We always say we choose our partners following our free will, when in fact, it is our cultures, traditions and religions that instilled a different set of values (and virtues) and as such directly affected what we consider acceptable in our relationships.

Can we say that love is culturally constructed?
Is the “proper way” of expressing love imposed on us and dictated by societies we live in?

Do you feel we can love whomever we want?

©Tatjana Ostojic

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Give me just a taste so I want more

I just looked at him and I was ready to get hurt again. I was ready to feel the intermittent grief and heartache provoked by that sweet illusion of potential love story that was feeding all my senses. There was no logic, there were no inhibitions, no shame in front of him. I was caught up in the thunderstorm and it felt good. It felt as something natural as if we both belonged in that special moment. Just one look and no touch were enough to create the most exciting attraction of all. The one that makes a grown-up person daydream about more than just a physical contact. Surreal dance of two similar souls that found each other and had a  chance to share their darkest parts without actually getting dirty. Teasing, provoking, and silently suffering.

I could feel it was leading me to Neverland, but with that Peter Pan, I could have travelled anywhere without even questioning it. He has never given me enough of him, he’d always disappeared when I enjoyed him the most. I think that is why I wanted more. More of him, more time with him, to get to know him better,… I felt the insatiable hunger. I was puzzled, challenged, and confused.

In Arabic language, the word for attraction is al hawa (الْهَوَى), which also means the wind. If we understand it as a verb, it would mean to blow. Doesn’t this suggest that attraction arises suddenly and equally fast can be blown away? It is a kind of a vision of love that is not firmly established in one’s heart. The property of attraction that indicates that it can fall and rise, oscillate and indefinitely disappear, shows us how unstable indicator of true love attraction is. It is the other factors that follow two infatuated people that determine the direction to which their affection for one another would develop.

Attraction is initially very superficial, skin deep. What we see, we get drawn to. I have always been more interested in not easily definable matters of the human heart and never besotted with the outward beauty for a long time. Any observer can enjoy what is externally noticeable. The substance is what captures me, that absolute, deep self that is hidden below the layers of personalities we show to others.

He divulged unilluminated part of himself to me and I was hooked. He blew air to my fire. It was no longer just swimming on the surface. We became intellectually and emotionally intimate, shared fears and aspirations. Out of mind lovemaking, strong desire was born. It became an attraction with strings attached. I felt safe with a complete stranger and yet, that stranger perhaps had seen more of me than some of my closest friends.

Connections of the heart, however, don’t mean much in the real world when they exist in some unfulfilled fantasy land of what we hope things will become. Reality kills magnetism. When practical things interfere, bring expectations and disillusionment, little remains that we could consider desirable. Life brings us closer but it also separates us. Sometimes we simply don’t have the freedom to love whom we want and how we wish to.

When all the shades of fire fade away and we melt into the greyish shadows of the past lover that engulfed our sentiments and resided in our hearts, most of us will feel pain. We all have one particular wound that we can’t stop touching. Finding enjoyment in frustration is a peculiar way of reminiscence of how relevant we were to someone. Maybe that what hurts us the most is what is keeping us alive.

©Tatjana Ostojic